And It Begins
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Let it be known!
Because you claimed that everyone had the right to privacy, didn’t mean they were hiding anything. You have the easiest Facebook password ever– and you were hiding 9 different girlfriends from me.
Your longterm plans included having three kids, which was fine. They also included getting your kids’ names and footprints tattooed on your spine, which is the dumbest damn thing I’ve ever heard. EVER!
You always beat me at words with friends
You wanted to fantasize together about a threesome. I gave in so we did. But since that moment I couldn’t stop thinking about girls.
You were like the city in which I live. Beautiful, and friendly on the surface, but riddled with too many social issues to be worth the hassle.
Because you wanted me to be like your mom, but your mom is crazy and wears poofy cats on her sweaters and told you to dump me because I did not have a snow globe collection or married parents. Beat ya to it!
After dating for a week, you made me your primary beneficiary in the event of your death. This actually happened.
Your body hair repulsed me.
Because you said “I don’t want to be that guy that dates an athiest.”
Because you had sex with my best friend in the tent right in front of me while we were camping. Couldn’t you have at least waited til I left to get firewood?
TWIDY: Because I’m not a porn star – so don’t expect me to do everything they do in porn.
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