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Because I’m not a porn star – so don’t expect me to do everything they do in porn.

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You hated my jar full of 365 little love notes for valentine’s day but you loved that $400 diamond necklace I got for your birthday. I’m selling all your shit you left here you gold-digging whore.

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Your inability to invite your sister for three-way disappointed me.

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I just found out I was your first, as in first girlfriend ever. You thought you could keep that secret forever? Well you are wrong because I am posting it on your wall.

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Because under no circumstances is it ever acceptable to use a Playstation 3 controller as a vibrator on me. Ever.

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Because sex is a normal part of dating for someone in their late 20’s. 7 dates in two months and still you’re “wanting to wait.” I’m too old to be getting blue balls.

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Because you let me finger you in a booth at a restaurant. How can you expect me to respect you after that?

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You’re 33 and still need roommates, and can’t go a day without drinking an 18 rack to yourself… I really hope you get the help you need, dear.

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When I talk about simple movie quotes you looked at me with a blank face. HOW THE F**K HAVEN’T YOU SEEN ‘STAR WARS’?

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So I can focus on my relationship with Christ. But you’re perfect, I’m happy with you, and I still love you.

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