And It Begins
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You always put your mother first. For her birthday dinner you baked lasagna and chocolate cake. For my birthday dinner you opened a can of franks and beans.
franks and beans
After 20 minutes, I saw you emerge from a Porto Potty (for a construction crew) across from my house. Your lack of couth turned our first date into our last date. Take care of that “business” at home.
couth (lack of)
The first time you spent the night I heard you shamelessly, farting away on the toilet!
You looked normal enough, but when I pulled up to your house, to take you on our first (and last) date, I felt like I was enterin the set of “Hoarders”.
I’m missing lipstick, mascara and a few pairs of panties… I bet you have them.
You insisted we couldn’t afford cinnamon, but you had no trouble unloading $500 at the casino the following weekend.
You got mad at me for not watching you sleep. Why would I watch you sleep?
You made me sit on a coffee can for 2 hours, in the truck canopy, on the way home from the mountains, because I had diarrhea and you didn’t want the seats ruined.
Remember shopping at Fredricks of Hollywood? The lady “from Italy” is really my coworker Barbara. Her Gucci bag is really a camera & she got great footage of you and the whore buying clearance panties.
Fredricks of Hollywooe
Hope you enjoyed that delicious “Cornish Game Hen” dinner I made for you last March. Still believe Plucky flew out the window like I told you?
Cornish Game Hen
TWIDY: Because I’m not a porn star – so don’t expect me to do everything they do in porn.
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