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You always put your mother first. For her birthday dinner you baked lasagna and chocolate cake. For my birthday dinner you opened a can of franks and beans.

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After 20 minutes, I saw you emerge from a Porto Potty (for a construction crew) across from my house. Your lack of couth turned our first date into our last date. Take care of that “business” at home.

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The first time you spent the night I heard you shamelessly, farting away on the toilet!

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You looked normal enough, but when I pulled up to your house, to take you on our first (and last) date, I felt like I was enterin the set of “Hoarders”.

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I’m missing lipstick, mascara and a few pairs of panties… I bet you have them.

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You insisted we couldn’t afford cinnamon, but you had no trouble unloading $500 at the casino the following weekend.

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You got mad at me for not watching you sleep. Why would I watch you sleep?

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You made me sit on a coffee can for 2 hours, in the truck canopy, on the way home from the mountains, because I had diarrhea and you didn’t want the seats ruined.

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Remember shopping at Fredricks of Hollywood? The lady “from Italy” is really my coworker Barbara. Her Gucci bag is really a camera & she got great footage of you and the whore buying clearance panties.

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Hope you enjoyed that delicious “Cornish Game Hen” dinner I made for you last March. Still believe Plucky flew out the window like I told you?

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