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HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE HOT DOGS?!

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Because you threw teabags at my chest and left stains resembling testicles on my favourite t-shirt. I really liked that t-shirt.

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t-bird teabagging

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Because you said you should never have to apologize for anything, because everything was somehow my fault anyway because you’re perfect and never make mistakes.

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crazy narcissism

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Because you admitted to faking mental illness so I would stay with you longer.

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lying mental illness

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You were nice, polite, good-looking, funny and smart. But you refused to sleep with me because “sex makes everything way too complicated and it’s not even that great.”

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Because after agreeing on not sleeping with others it took you exactly one week until you fucked your ex-girlfriend. Congratulations.

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I don’t like whispering in bed.

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Because I found out that you’d been cheating on me for 9 months with two of your skanky ex’s and another girl; and you carried on lying about it

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Because you gained 30 lbs over the course of our relationship, which is fine, but telling me I needed to lose weight until I was less than 90 lbs wasn’t. Hypocrite.

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Because girls always end up looking like their mothers, and I finally met your parents this weekend. Sorry, I’m not sticking around for that slow train wreck.

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woof